January 20, 2000
Eros vs. Logos
age: 28
gender: female
I have a four month casual relationship with a male and it's been causing me a lot of grief. I want it to progress but whenever I try to speak candidly and have a genuine conversation about how I feel and our emotions he turns and walks away. I want to know if it is worth waiting and pushing him to talk to me. And if the reason why he doesn't want to talk to me is because he doesn't feel the same way or if he just doesn't know how to express his feelings. I really have strong feelings for him and it's been causing me to have a lot of angst. Is he some one I should try to hold on to?
It's reasonably well known in basic psychology that women tend to function most naturally in the realm of Feelings, and more importantly, in the realm of Eros or Relatedness. They're basically hardwired to maintain the integrity and growth of Relationship, Relatedness and Intimacy. This is what is meant by the Psychological term / Psychic fact, Eros. Men, on the other hand, tend to function in the realm of Thinking. They are hardwired to Discriminate, Divide and Separate. What Jung described as Logos (i.e. Logic or the Word). Men live and die by the spoken and written word, but when it comes to feelings, they're usually just blundering around somewhere out in left field. Their power words all tend to deal with Logic and pointing out the differences between things. Divide and conquer is not just for war between soldiers...it's also commonly misapplied to the war between the sexes.
What to do, what to do.......
Intimacy and relationship is a partnership in which both parties learn to honor and respect the gifts of the other...but then also learn how to share the inevitable responsibility for inventing ways to not just stay together...but to get closer. Just as a father can and should learn how to change diapers, and a woman can and should learn how to deal with the finances, intimate partners must never allow one party to assume the entire responsibility for keeping things together at all costs. Sharing of feelings and emotions can be learned by men, just as women can learn the timing involved in how to speak the truth only at the appropriate moment. We don't know what the other is feeling unless we're told, and sometiimes we just have to insist that a satisfactorily complete answer is forthcoming. Too much resistance makes for anger, frustration, pain and resentment. Then it's too easy to just act out and destroy any chance at real intimacy. A little anxiety is good for the Soul...as long as it's understood to be, and utilized as a stimulus for growth. Too much is like overfertilizing the plants...it just kills the growth.
There's simply no easy answer with or for relationships. There's ALWAYS hard, frightening, and sticky...but satisfying work. Your feelings about this relationship don't sound too casual...so if he can't stand the heat, it's time to kick him out of the kitchen.
kristo